Alive?

Lately, I've been thinking about how alive I've really been. What have I done or been doing with my life? Emperors at 19, musicians in their early 20s, writers and journal fanatics as young as Anne Frank, they all have contributed so much to the world. Maybe, it's the new year fast approaching. Though it really is just another day -- no different from the tomorrow that is to become today, I've been thirsting more than ever for life. So many thoughts are longing to enter the physical world. So many ideas are longing to manifest themselves into opportunities, scenarios that I can hold, taste, publish, teach, hang in my room, and even take pictures with. I want to travel, get on my hands and knees, on my feet and tread the same lands that the first inhabitants of this world called their home. I want to see, feel, hear, taste, and be life. Something within me is wanting out of myself! I want to discover and explore more of the uncharted parts of myself, of others, of the world!

I want to live.

I want to create a difference in the world the way a flower does -- it just grows. It allows the world to take care of her. Her petals open up to show her more vibrant side. Like a lily, she grows tall, but bows her head beautifully at Mother Earth declaring herself as one of her humble servants.

I'm assuming, however, that my Maker wants me to impact the world in a less passive way. Disregard that -- the way he designed my being reveals to me that I am to impact the world not like a flower, but as he created me to do so. Otherwise, he would have planted me and allowed my existence to be that of a flower's. As much as I just want to know what it is I was born to do, what dreams I have to realize so that I may plant myself, and just glow, I feel something else -- something more. Without posing the human race as the superior beings (or myself as anything superior to anyone,) it's important that I still understand how much I differ from plants. How much I differ from the next person. As much as my innate desire to be one with Everything moves me to blur the lines that separate me from another, I think God, He who is Everything, meant for me to really understand what it is exactly that sets me apart.

I suppose the lifestyle of a plant is attractive just because the idea of being planted, and knowing exactly how it would grow gives one a sense of comfort and stability. It would be hard to imagine that flowers worry or suffer from any type of anxiety. Knowing exactly what to anticipate in the seasons to come. Knowing.

It's no surprise then, that it is Knowledge that the serpent in the Garden used to tempt Adam and Eve away from the 'true life.' The truth in this story of Creation reveals that from the beginning of time, it is man's desire for control of his own life and will that keeps him further away from experiencing the fullness of life. The fact of the matter is that knowing only tempts us into controlling a life that we did not design -- a life that we, in all honesty, know nothing about.

Facts, order, perfection -- the things that we, as human beings, like to hold on to so much, but will never have. Ironically, the more we know in this life, the more we realize just how much we don't and won't ever know anything concrete. Everything is constantly moving, constantly changing. As much as it scares me, surrendering everything to the Truth that I'm not meant to stay in one place, see one thing, or live one dream will set me free. Surrendering myself to the truth that all that we are given are the moments of this day, I will then feel like a flower -- not worrying about a thing, because I am no longer subject to myself or the uncertainty of tomorrow, but to my Maker who knows exactly who I'm supposed to be. I am the Lily of my Maker -- He who is without time, He to whom my life is but a moment, is taking care of me. Surrendering will lead me hope, set me free, and makes everything the possibility of tomorrow. Each day, then, becomes a surprise -- a beautiful surprise. Life then becomes an adventure. You see, I'm really called to move, get to know other souls all over the world, find their own individual beauties, which will then lead me to Beautiful itself. I'm called to move towards the source of all things good. I'm called to the highest things of life. I'm called to see life with a bird's eye view, on top of the world while being called to love it from within. I am called to love with my eyes fixed on the detail of everything, and realize that regardless of how different they appear to be and difficult to understand, I am still to love them.

I want to live with eyes wide open... "less and less asleep." I want to know what I love. I want to know the differences between another being and myself. I want to know details, not understand them, and still love. I want to forgive uncertainty. I want to forgive my past. I want to live in the moment because everyone and everything deserves everything I have. I want to live with my heart wide open because I don't want to make anyone second guess whether they are welcome in there or not. I want to live for others. I want to be the tomorrow people look forward to because I was here today.

I want to be less and less for myself, so that I can finally be who I was born to be.