New York, New Me

I can’t tell you how many long walks I’ve been on where I said to myself: “This is the day I write something!” Yet somehow, I would always come back home still unable to put into words just where I find myself today… 

Happy? No, full of joy. At peace. In a constant state of wonder and awe. In the great state of New York.  

Such are the thoughts that come to me when I reflect on where God has called me at this present moment of my life. I suppose there isn’t really much to say other than, I don’t know how but I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. I am thrilled to be in this place where I do not know where I’m going, but to each new day that I wake up alive and with responsibilities, I find myself in a place I’ve never known before, doing things I’ve never done, in a place I somehow just know I’m supposed to be in. This particular plate of joy seems to come with a loaded side of adventure. 

I’d be lying if I said that it’s always been like this because after graduating, I must admit, that post-grad life… got me. I was in this constant state of questioning where, what, and why God? The beginning of the new chapter of my life had me feeling like I had to have it figured it out spring semester of my senior year because I felt lost. I kept wondering, "Where is my syllabus? Is anyone going to check my work for me to tell me if I’m doing well or not? Can I please have a deadline for everything because it seems I have to make decisions for myself now and be accountable for them." Even after having figured out what I wanted to do, I still felt so much anxiety. I constantly found myself asking stupid what-if’s. Curse you, “grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side” mentality of my generation. I used to really put my fist up and shake it in the face of my Terrible Two-enties because who among us actually know what we’re doing and how to transition gracefully into the next chapter of our lives? For some time, I was far from being at peace. I could only catch glimpses of it, but really could not find the courage to be at peace. 

Courage because it takes a lot of cajones (putting my Spanish degree to good use right there), I realize. A lot of heart. A lot of understanding. A lot of wisdom. A lot of humility. Peace demands for those who seek it to subject themselves to the Truth. And the Truth (the objective and absolute kind that sets you free) requires us to let go of lifestyles, actions, habits, thoughts, and vices that contradict it. Not until I learned to let go of the things beyond my control, to surrender any desires and expectations that were not in proper order, that I found myself not wanting, but just in this blissful state of gratitude. When you let go of mental, emotional, and even physical baggage, you realize you don’t need much to just be. Or even for your cup to runneth over. That cup of peace comes with double shots of wonder and awe at the mysterious ways that God is making sense of every little thing you’ve ever gone through in life. 

It took me some time, but here I am now in a new state, New York: Serving, discovering, and eating artichoke pizza (lol). Here, I am learning that being uncertain of the future does not have to mean you’re a mess. I am learning that to be still in the moment you’ve been given is to just keep moving forward where you are.  The busy streets and sidewalks of the city make me feel so small, but it also makes me feel like I am part of something bigger. That we are all just a grain of sand in the bigger picture, and there’s a wave that crashes over all of us that draw us into the depths of the ocean of this human experience we call life. And at the center of it are our relationships with people — the way we discover both the good and hurtful things about an other, the way we discover the strength to forgive despite the littleness of our hearts at times, the way we live out the uniqueness of our purpose, and the way we come to find that we only have each other to love and point to Heaven. 

Above all, I have been reminded that no truer words have been spoken than these: Seek ye first the Kingdom of God. A little faith in Him can really go a long way. It can move mountains, traffic, and your heart. Everything I've ever wanted and more, the happiness, the peace, the wonder and awe, even New York (California, too), I've all picked up on the way that leads to Him.